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Subject:Phoenix on Ice
Time:12:11 am
I decided to put the normal entries for my new MySpace account as public so friends not on my friends list for it can view them if they want. Anyone who is looking at them that shouldn’t, well that’s her own dam fault because she made the choices in the matter so I shouldn’t have to censor myself just because the truth makes her feel guilty.

The Account is "Phoenix on Ice"
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Subject:New MySpace Acount
Time:04:22 am
I decided to set up a new MySpace account for my rantings and ravings. If anyone wants me to add them to my friends list I will as long as they don’t spread what's in it to people who aren’t on my friends list for it. The new account name is “Phoenix on Ice.”
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Subject:Life is meaningless
Time:03:08 am
What is the mean of life? Why are we here on Earth?

There is no real reason for it. Life is meaningless. When we think were doing well it’s only because we can’t see the whole picture. We can’t see that it will all come crashing down on us eventually. We think we have it all, until we loose it all.

I have no idea what I want to do anymore. I don’t think I could make it as a teacher. I can’t concentrate on anything that takes that much effort. I don’t want to go to school, I don’t want to go to work. I have no clue what I’m doing anymore. If there was some way to change the past I would, but that’s not a possibility. What happened happened. But it’s the memory of what I used to have that makes it so painful. I had a truly great relationship and a truly great friend. But she changed for the worst. The pain doesn’t come from loosing my solemate, it comes from knowing that she left because she was a fucking coward. It’s knowing that she wouldn’t even allow an attempt to try to work through whatever it was she needed to work through. She just wanted to run away. How am I to respond to that, the only person in the world who I truly cared about what they felt of me proved that she thought I was worth less then shit.

I want my life back. I know I can’t have it, and I know that I should forget about it, but I still need it back. Why the fuck did it have to be that my love would be a coward? Why did she have to become a monster?

I realize that she changed who she was. Before the end she was an honest person. She was a good person. But she changed. She lied through her teeth about why she was leaving. She lied about how she felt about me. She even lied so well that she seamed to come to believe that she was never happy with me. She was happy with me, she was for over eight years. She just felt something was going wrong and made herself think it was wrong all along. She lied when she said she was willing to try to work things out, she had decided against that before she came to tell me how she really felt. Before then she lied about what was making her unhappy, but whatever she said was making her unhappy I tried to fix. I was always willing to do everything I could to make her happy. I was willing to face my fears if she needed me to. Whatever she said she needed, I did my best to give her. And I could always give her more then anyone else could, especially more then the asshole she’s with now could give.

But the Kristine I loved is gone now. The me that loved her is gone as well, only the shell is left.

Love will only bring you death.
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Subject:"Where Are You" by Frank Sinatra
Time:02:17 am
Where Are You
By Frank Sinatra


Where are you
Where have you gone without me
I thought you cared about me

Where are you
Where’s my heart
Where is the dream we started
I cant believe were parted

Where are you
When we said good-bye love
What had we to gain
When I gave you my love
Was it all in vain

All life through
Must I go on pretending
Where is my happy ending

Where are you
When we said good-bye love
What had we to gain
When I gave you my love
Was it all in vain

All life through
Must I go on pretending
Where is that happy ending
Where are you
Where are you
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Subject:Today
Time:10:57 am
I’m doing a little better today.

I still have to work on not letting the stress get to me.
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Subject:Afterlife
Time:02:42 am
No matter what I try to do I cannot change the past. I died on June 24th, I can never have my life back. I try to survive in this afterlife, but sometimes it just gets so difficult to see who I was before and know that I can never be that person again. I survived, and will keep on trying to survive, but in truth I did not live through it.

I hate school. I hate work. I can’t consintrate on anything. I have to study for two tests next week, and write a paper due next week, in addition to finishing the paper that was due the end of September that I still need to turn in. But I can’t concentrate on writing anything. I think it’s just know that doing all that work is pointless now makes it difficult to actually do it. It can’t give me a better future anymore. The only reason I was able to do so well on my school work is gone, never to return. I’m hardly doing anything at work these days. I still haven’t even learned any of the sixth grade drummers names. Every day it’s a struggle to force myself to get out of bed and get ready for another crappy day. I miss a lot of my classes because of that.

All I ever wanted was a fair chance at being happy. Sometimes it gets hard to force myself to be happy. I truly am a vampire now. I’m undead and I feed of the emotions of others. I can’t provide my own happiness anymore.

Why did it all turn out this way? It didn’t have to be this way. I tried, but if only one person in a relationship does, then nothing can work out.
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Subject:Poem: Feel Like a Clown
Time:02:11 am
Feel Like a Clown

Sometimes I feel like a clown.
Acting happy to hide my pain,
Laughing so I don’t cry.

Sometimes I hide my fears,
Other times I just ignore them.
Either way the end’s the same.

I play the part,
Be who I’m supposed to be.
Even though in truth I’m not.

Sometimes I feel like a clown.
I’ll laugh with you,
But I cannot laugh.
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Subject:"Lemon Tree"
Time:03:49 am
"Lemon Tree"
by Peter, Paul & Mary

When I was just a lad of ten, my father said to me,
"Come here and take a lesson from the lovely lemon tree."
"Don't put your faith in love, my boy", my father said to me,
"I fear you'll find that love is like the lovely lemon tree."

Lemon tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet
but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat.
Lemon tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet
but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat.

One day beneath the lemon tree, my love and I did lie
A girl so sweet that when she smiled the stars rose in the sky.
We passed that summer lost in love beneath the lemon tree
the music of her laughter hid my father's words from me:

Lemon tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet
but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat.
Lemon tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet
but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat.

One day she left without a word. She took away the sun.
And in the dark she left behind, I knew what she had done.
She'd left me for another, it's a common tale but true.
A sadder man but wiser now I sing these words to you:

Lemon tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet
but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat.
Lemon tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet
but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat.
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Subject:I hate my life
Time:03:28 am
I hate the stress. I haven’t been able to concentrate on schoolwork at all this semester, and now I’m having panic attacks because tomorrow I have two midterms which I am nowhere near ready for. The harder one I haven’t even read any of the readings for that class yet. I hate having to put up with all this shit. It’s not fair that I have to be the one that can’t do anything right anymore. I don’t want to do anything anymore. I just want to stay home and lose myself playing games. It’s not fair. I don’t want to have all this stress. I try to push it down, to keep it out of my life, but it is just so difficult sometimes. Everything is working against me, and I try to get through it but I just can’t do it all the time.

Nothing has gone right. It just gets worse everyday. It doesn’t get better, you just got to learn to live with what is left. It is true that it is worse to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all. In truth ignorance is bliss. I would be better off not having all the good memories that plague the shit pseudo-life that I face now. I know what I am missing, had I not found my soul mate only to have her turn chicken-shit and run away from me then I would not know the great life that I would have had.

I miss having my life. I try to run from the pain that I feel, but it catches up to me at the worst times. I want to get away from all this. I hate going to school. I hate going to work. I just want to stay as far from this hell I live in. Why do I have to be the one to face all this. This is all her fault. I did nothing wrong. The only things I could never give her should not have been enough to make her leave. I know I’m not attractive. I know that I have no money. I could give her anything else though. I was foolish to think that a relationship based on love, friendship, caring, and respect could last. I could have given her more of those then anyone else.

If she could have just been willing to look at what I could give her instead of what I couldn’t she would have seen there was no reason to run away. If she could have just not been so vain as to think that things like physical appearances and money were so important, that’s all that it would have taken for her to see how great she had it. She was so fucked up. She never had anything worth leaving over. She could have been happier with me then with anyone else, she was just too blind to see it. She was just to stupid to think before acting. Just because she was afraid does not justify her actions.

She is the one that fucked everything up. This is all her fault. I did nothing wrong, I was the one that fought to try to work things out. I was the one that fought to the end to get her to at least give one chance, one try, at fixing things between us. She fought at every turn. SHE REFUSED TO EVEN ONCE TRY TO WORK THROUGH THINGS. Not once. That’s how little she thought of me. She was not willing to give me, or the life that we shared, even one chance. She was willing to destroy the great life that I had, and even worse the great life she had, all because she was scared of trying to work through the fact that I have a few superficial flaws. Everybody has flaws. Every relationship goes through difficult times. But not every person has to deal with having their solemate not be able to handle difficult situations. I deserved her to be a better person. I deserved her to be adult about it. I deserved for my true love to have given the one chance that was needed to get us through something that every other relationship faces. Something that countless relationships that are nowhere near as strong as ours was are able to get through.

Life just isn’t fair at all. No good deed goes unpunished. No evil is left unpraised. I see now that there is no reason to try for anything in this world. You just got to learn to live in this hell that we all create.
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Subject:“Now You’re Gone” By Electric Light Orchestra
Time:02:53 am
I, I was crazy about you
I, didn't want to be without you
And I, lost what I had and now your gone

You, you always meant the world to me
You, you never wanted much you see
And you, you changed my life but now you gone

In my heart you were the one
But now, now your gone

Your photograph brings back sweet memories
Something about you I don't know what it is
Your face so young the days so long
But now, your gone

In my heart you were the one
But now, your gone

Yeah now, now your gone
But now, your gone
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[icon] Journal of a Phoenix on Ice
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