I hate the stress. I haven’t been able to concentrate on schoolwork at all this semester, and now I’m having panic attacks because tomorrow I have two midterms which I am nowhere near ready for. The harder one I haven’t even read any of the readings for that class yet. I hate having to put up with all this shit. It’s not fair that I have to be the one that can’t do anything right anymore. I don’t want to do anything anymore. I just want to stay home and lose myself playing games. It’s not fair. I don’t want to have all this stress. I try to push it down, to keep it out of my life, but it is just so difficult sometimes. Everything is working against me, and I try to get through it but I just can’t do it all the time.
Nothing has gone right. It just gets worse everyday. It doesn’t get better, you just got to learn to live with what is left. It is true that it is worse to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all. In truth ignorance is bliss. I would be better off not having all the good memories that plague the shit pseudo-life that I face now. I know what I am missing, had I not found my soul mate only to have her turn chicken-shit and run away from me then I would not know the great life that I would have had.
I miss having my life. I try to run from the pain that I feel, but it catches up to me at the worst times. I want to get away from all this. I hate going to school. I hate going to work. I just want to stay as far from this hell I live in. Why do I have to be the one to face all this. This is all her fault. I did nothing wrong. The only things I could never give her should not have been enough to make her leave. I know I’m not attractive. I know that I have no money. I could give her anything else though. I was foolish to think that a relationship based on love, friendship, caring, and respect could last. I could have given her more of those then anyone else.
If she could have just been willing to look at what I could give her instead of what I couldn’t she would have seen there was no reason to run away. If she could have just not been so vain as to think that things like physical appearances and money were so important, that’s all that it would have taken for her to see how great she had it. She was so fucked up. She never had anything worth leaving over. She could have been happier with me then with anyone else, she was just too blind to see it. She was just to stupid to think before acting. Just because she was afraid does not justify her actions.
She is the one that fucked everything up. This is all her fault. I did nothing wrong, I was the one that fought to try to work things out. I was the one that fought to the end to get her to at least give one chance, one try, at fixing things between us. She fought at every turn. SHE REFUSED TO EVEN ONCE TRY TO WORK THROUGH THINGS. Not once. That’s how little she thought of me. She was not willing to give me, or the life that we shared, even one chance. She was willing to destroy the great life that I had, and even worse the great life she had, all because she was scared of trying to work through the fact that I have a few superficial flaws. Everybody has flaws. Every relationship goes through difficult times. But not every person has to deal with having their solemate not be able to handle difficult situations. I deserved her to be a better person. I deserved her to be adult about it. I deserved for my true love to have given the one chance that was needed to get us through something that every other relationship faces. Something that countless relationships that are nowhere near as strong as ours was are able to get through.
Life just isn’t fair at all. No good deed goes unpunished. No evil is left unpraised. I see now that there is no reason to try for anything in this world. You just got to learn to live in this hell that we all create.
|comments: Leave a comment|