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Subject:Life is meaningless
Time:03:08 am
What is the mean of life? Why are we here on Earth?

There is no real reason for it. Life is meaningless. When we think were doing well it’s only because we can’t see the whole picture. We can’t see that it will all come crashing down on us eventually. We think we have it all, until we loose it all.

I have no idea what I want to do anymore. I don’t think I could make it as a teacher. I can’t concentrate on anything that takes that much effort. I don’t want to go to school, I don’t want to go to work. I have no clue what I’m doing anymore. If there was some way to change the past I would, but that’s not a possibility. What happened happened. But it’s the memory of what I used to have that makes it so painful. I had a truly great relationship and a truly great friend. But she changed for the worst. The pain doesn’t come from loosing my solemate, it comes from knowing that she left because she was a fucking coward. It’s knowing that she wouldn’t even allow an attempt to try to work through whatever it was she needed to work through. She just wanted to run away. How am I to respond to that, the only person in the world who I truly cared about what they felt of me proved that she thought I was worth less then shit.

I want my life back. I know I can’t have it, and I know that I should forget about it, but I still need it back. Why the fuck did it have to be that my love would be a coward? Why did she have to become a monster?

I realize that she changed who she was. Before the end she was an honest person. She was a good person. But she changed. She lied through her teeth about why she was leaving. She lied about how she felt about me. She even lied so well that she seamed to come to believe that she was never happy with me. She was happy with me, she was for over eight years. She just felt something was going wrong and made herself think it was wrong all along. She lied when she said she was willing to try to work things out, she had decided against that before she came to tell me how she really felt. Before then she lied about what was making her unhappy, but whatever she said was making her unhappy I tried to fix. I was always willing to do everything I could to make her happy. I was willing to face my fears if she needed me to. Whatever she said she needed, I did my best to give her. And I could always give her more then anyone else could, especially more then the asshole she’s with now could give.

But the Kristine I loved is gone now. The me that loved her is gone as well, only the shell is left.

Love will only bring you death.
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