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Subject:The pain in missing her
Time:02:50 am
I don’t know, sometimes I just really miss her. I miss sharing the great relationship we had, a relationship that knew no bounds. But I know that she wanted to end it all, I know that everything that happened was what she wanted, and it hurts so much to know that. I just don’t know why she had to do it. I don’t understand why she let her fear outweigh what we had. Had she wanted we could have worked through the difficult times, but she didn’t even want to have one attempt to fix things. She wouldn’t even allow for one chance to work through it. She let her fear blind her so much that she refused to even attempt to work through one difficult time. That causes so much pain it is indescribable. To know that she put less effort in seeing if we could work things out then she does with deciding whether to buy a new electronic device or not. That kills you inside, there is no denying that, and I hate that she could treat me so badly. But I hate the fact more that I still love her so much. I know that with what she has done there is no way for us to get back together, even after all I tried to keep us together, and then to get us back together, and then to even keep her as a friend. But she chose to not even be friends. She did not want to even but in the minute amount of effort that would have taken. She wanted to hurt me, to hurt our relationship, and in doing so to hurt herself, all for the sake of not having to face her fear of being in a difficult situation.

She ruined me because she gave me so much only to take it away. She has always been my love, she has always been the one for me. But there is no way for me to have her. She chose to turn into a monster rather then for once in her life stand up for herself. If she had tried even once, she would have seen what she was throwing away.

By now she has already completely altered all her memories of what we had. She has already remade all her memories to fool herself into thinking she made the right decision. I know because that is the way she always does it. If she only knew that she is exactly like her sister, and then remember how much pain her sister gave her, and the fact that I was the one that helped her deal with the pain, then maybe, just maybe, she would start to see the truth in her actions. If she could ever come to remember what really happened in our relationship, she would know what she did. But I doubt that she will ever be adult enough to admit anything like that, even to herself. I just wish at the time I could have had more people to help me show her what she was doing. I guess neither she nor I had friends true enough to do that. I know that powerful forces work against me in this world, I just wish that more could have been helping me then.

Once you lose your innocent view of the happily ever afters, you come to see that the world will always get worse and worse. So you might as well pretend to ignore it.
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Time:01:55 am
In addition, if anyone is interested I decided to start putting picture up on photobucket. The username is my common one, bjonesbeta. It’s probably going to mostly be landscape picture and the likes, as that’s mostly what type of picture I take. So far I only uploaded 6 or so, but I’ll be getting more soon.
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Subject:St. Patrick's (by Savatage)
Time:02:21 am
Hey there Lord it's me
I wondered if you're free
Or not asleep
This just won't keep
It seems I just don't see

Why all the things we asked
Or prayed would come to pass
Have gone unheard
Like silent words
That slip into the past

For Lord they're not schemes
Can't you tell dreams
Why do you
Let them slip by
Never even tried

It isn't you don't hear
There's far too many tears
Or can't you feel
Are we unreal
To one who knows no peers

You say we must pay dues
But still I am confused
I need to walk
And with you talk
Instead of to statues

For Lord they're not schemes
Can't you tell dreams
Why do you
Let them slip by
Never even tried

You take all the fame
But who'll accept the blame
For all the hurts
Down here on earth
Unnecessary pain

For surely you must care
Or are you only air
Built in our minds
When we're in binds
And never really there


And can we be tired of you
Is that something that we're allowed to do
For even the blind change their view
And it's time we tried something new

And so I pled my case
I'll now pull my escape
Didn't mean to doubt
What it's about
Seems I forgot my place

But if you find the time
Please change the story line
Or give a call
Explain it all
I'll even leave the dime
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Subject:I Just Had to fucking see her At School
Time:10:45 pm
I thought that things were getting better. I worried about seeing her, but I didn’t know how I would respond. Well I saw her on the way to my night class tonight. I don’t think she saw me. She was waiting at the bus stop when I drove by. I spent the least time on that street just so it wouldn’t happen, but I had to go there to get to the garage because the other street I took would only bring me to the side enterence of the garage and that one is sometimes closed for no reason, and I was already running late and bairly made it there on time.

It was really depressing to see her. It just made sure to remind me how lonely life is and how fucked up everything is. I tried to forget that unknown forces are working to fuck up everything for me. I tried to live with the fucked up truth that she left. I tried to pretend that everything could just be ignored.

I got through my class. But once I got back to the van I broke down. I got lost on the way home, basically going strait down very few roads.

I don’t see how this is fair. She is the one that fucked up. She made the mistake. She is the one that caused all of this. Why the fuck do I have to be the one stuck with all this shit. I did nothing wrong, I was the one trying to do the right thing. She was the one who ran away. She is the one that ended a great relationship because she was a fucking coward who was not able to stand her ground and fight. I fought till the end, she gave u[p at the beginning. I did nothing wrong. I don’t deserve this. I deserve for her to have for once in her life fought for something. I was willing to do whatever I could to make her happy. Everybody knew that. I was able to make her happy, she was just to blinded buy the fear of facing a difficult situation to see that.

Try as I might I don’t have a happy future to look forward to. The only one I love, the one who I gave my life to, threw me away out of fear of facing having to deal with a problem in a relationship. There has never been a relationship that did not have problems, if she could have just for once admitted that to herself we could both be happy now. There was never, is not, and would never have been a problem that we could not work through if she had been willing to work through it. She lied to herself for so long that she came to believe that we were at an impass we could not work through. That is complete bullshit and anyone that saw us together would have seen that. She was happy with me, she lied about that to her self so it became what she remembers. IF SHE HAD JUST BEEN WILLING TO GIVE ME ONE FUCKING CHANCE TO PROVE TO HER THAT WE COULD WORK THROUGH A PROBLEM, THEN WE WOULD BOTH BE HAPPY. It was never about an either she is happy or I am happy, but she lied top herself and saw that. It was never mutually exclusive. I was always willing to do whatever I could for her. I always let her be whoever she wanted to be. She was free to be who she wanted with me. I never told her to not be herself. I always pushed her to do what would maker her happy. Sometimes I did want us to talk about it first, but I loved her, I wouldn’t stand in her way to happiness. But she was unwilling to admit that she could be happy with me. I didn’t deserve any of this. I deserved her to admit the truth to herself, but she was unwilling to do so.

Just fuck it all. There is no justice in the world. Bad things are all good people get to have. If something looks good now, its only because it hasn’t hurt you yet.
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Subject:So Far School Has Gone Well
Time:10:53 pm
My classes have gone pretty good so far. They don’t seem like they’ll be too difficult. I’ve had three of the four. So far only one has a lot of writing assignments, and one has lots of notes to take from the readings, which can take a while. As long as I can stay concentrated on doing the work it shouldn’t be too bad.

Work went ok as well. No one asked if I got married, but most of the people that would I didn’t see today, I’ll see them tomorrow for the first time this semester. I was stressing about that for a few days.

The hard part was when my night class got out early and I had a long time to wait for the bus. It was depressing because I am used to going after my class and waiting for her.

I also have been worrying about if I see her on campus. I don’t know how I should respond to that, or even how I would actually respond. On the one hand I still love her so much, but on the other she threw me away with the sole reason being she was a coward and wanted to run from a difficult situation. She hurt me so much but I still love her, I don’t know how I would respond to seeing her right now. I would want to see her if she would be willing to admit that what she did was wrong, but I don’t ever see her being able to be that adult. So I don’t know how to respond to seeing her.

On the lighter side at least school and work have been going well so far. I hope that my Wednesday night class will get out like 20 minutes early. Then I could take the 81 home and not have as long a walk from the bus stop, but mostly then I wouldn’t have to take the 22 and go so close to her house. But if not I’ll just have to learn to live with that too.
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Subject:She would need to justify a different side of the story
Time:03:09 pm
She claims that there are two sides to this story, but her side has nothing to back it up. There needs to be evidence to prove your view is correct. Lets look at the evidence. Kristine and I had a great relationship, and spent nine years with only minor problems. In those nine years we were able to work things out because we talked them over before they got out of hand. We were both happy in the relationship (though she seams to have conveniently forgotten that part). All relationships go through problems. Almost all people go through a time when they second-guess their decisions, even who their love is. She accepted the ring, which is in itself a pledge to our relationship. What does all this evidence prove? That it is most likely that if she had let us work through this, we would have gotten through it. It also proves that it was her not talking about having a problem that caused it to get so big that she wanted to leave. There is no denying that had she chosen to work through it, we would have been much more likely to be happily together still then to have broken up.

Even after she decided to break up, and then later told me about her decision, when we finally did talk about it she promised that we could try to work through things (this was three days before the revealed that to be a lie, she really didn’t want to try at all). Even after she dumped me (it was not at all a mutual thing as she lied to get me to say it was), we could have worked it out and gotten back together. I was willing to do whatever she needed so we could work things out. We had ample time to work things out. I was even willing to take her back after she went and spent the weekend with the asshole. What does al this evidence show? That even after she treated me so badly, I was still willing to accepter her for who she was and love her all the same, all she needed to do was give our relationship the one chance it needed.

The story does not end there. She said that she wanted to still be friends after that. But what does the evidence show. She could not be truthful to me at all, one of the core foundations of a friendship. She was unwilling to accept that since at that point she destroyed everything I had except for our friendship, that I would be understandably upset. She was unwilling to take any responcibility for the situation, which was completely her fault. She let the asshole call her when she and I had a scheduled time we would get together. For all of you who don’t understand the way males work, that’s a statement of territory, he was saying that she is completely mine now, you are only with her because I let you be. She was willing to let him show ownership of her when she knew how that would make me feel. I don’t think anyone should own her, that’s why I never called her if she was with guy friends unless I needed to, nor did I do anything else that would put her as my property. I never made her wear her hair long even though I like it better that way, I was willing to accept her no matter how she changed. What does all this evidence show? No matter how many times she said she wanted to still be friends, she was lying. She did not wont to do any of the work required to keep our friendship, she left me to not have to do work in a relationship, so having to work on a friendship was counter to why she left me.

All in all I see no evidence that justifies her actions. She left even though she is way to smart to not have realized that we could have worked through this. She threw me away as her love and as her friend. She did not have to hurt me for her to be happy, if she had tried she could have been happy in the great relationship we shared. She just didn’t want to do the miniscule amount of work it would have taken her to keep our relationship going. I would have always taken the bulk of the work for her, because I was always there to do what I could to make her happy. And no matter how much she tries to run from the truth, I did make her happy, I’m not stupid enough to not have been able to see that. Even if she thinks I am.
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Subject:Random Quiz time
Time:11:38 pm
You scored as Islam. Your beliefs are most similar to those of Islam. Do more research on Islam and possibly consider taking the shahadah and officially becoming a Muslim, if you aren't already.

Despite the actions of some - who go against the teachings of Islam - Islam is a religion of peace; the word "islam" means "peace through submission to God." "Muslim" means "one who submits to God." Islam is the third of the three Abrahamic faiths, and it shares much with Judaism in Christianity; its differences are the acceptance of Muhammad as the last and final prophet, and the oneness of God - in other words, that Jesus, though he was a revered prophet, was not in fact God, and only one God exists. Apparently the Taliban could not read (though their name means "students"), because the Qur'an states that men and women are equal as believers, and that all believers should be educated and seek knowledge. Modesty in dress and behavior is required in Islam for both men and women to preserve the values of society and move the emphasis from superificial appearance to intelligence, knowledge, and God.




















Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)
created with QuizFarm.com

Well at least it's close to being right.
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Current Music:"Back to a Reason" by Savatage
Subject:I'm Back.... Well Sorta Back at Least
Time:11:22 pm
Current Mood:awakeawake
It's about time for me to update, huh? Let’s see were to begin, as of Valentines Day Kristine and I are engaged, she really likes the ring I got for her. I did get into the English class, so far I’m doing pretty good, I got an A on the first major paper (100 out of 100 to be exact). I found out when I got my grades for last semester I had an F in band, which everyone thought must be a mistake. The problem is the band teacher form last semester isn’t still there this semester and so far I haven’t been able to contact him. I was in a math class at the beginning of this semester but since it only had 10 people in it they cancelled it, so now I am enrolled in one at De Anza instead so I can get that out of the way this semester. I just bit my tongue and now it’s bleeding. My other classes are band, stress management (which I’m taking online) and an English Support Lab class. Kristine and I are going to go to Monterey on April 1-3. We are in the prosses of redoing our front bathroom, pantry, and laundry room. We are mostly done with the bathroom mostly just need to move stuff back in. I can’t think of anything else but I know there is still a lot I left out. I guess that’s it then, I should be gettting back to my English paper. I'll try to update more often. Tootal-pipski y’all.
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Subject:A lesson about Morons
Time:10:08 pm
From the age of 6-8, Masai boys spend much of their time on their own, away from the community, sharing the work of herding cattle owned by their parents. At this time they develop the close male relationships that will last throughout their lives. When they are 12-14, boys are circumcised together in a ritual marking their transition to a new status--they become morons, or warriors. In Masai culture, only morons are allowed to have long hair. They also dress differently and spend much of their time away from the community in a hidden training camp. They no longer herd cattle but now are responsible for their defense against predators such as lions and people who might steal them. While boys are not allowed to carry spears, morons do. They must remain unmarried during the 7 years that they are morons, but some of them secretly have girlfriends. In their twenties, the moron once again go through a rite of passage together. This time, it marks their transition to the elder status and role within society. They reinforce their camaraderie at this time by drinking the blood of a freshly killed cow that has been specially sacrificed for the purpose, and their long hair is shaved off by their mothers to signify their new status. They are no longer warriors but are becoming respected decision makers and spokesmen for their families and communities. As elders, they are now allowed to get married when they can acquire sufficient numbers of cattle to pay a bride price. In Masai society girls usually marry in their teens and men in their thirties and later. Middle aged and older men typically have several wives.
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Subject:Stuff you probable dont care about
Time:01:07 am
It's funny because I was looking at stuff on line and I found out that alot of the guys from the band Savatage also did stuff for Trans-Siberian Orchestra, Which explains why the singer on one of the TSO songs sounds like the lead singer of Savatage, because it probably is him. I also found out that Before they were Savatage most of the origenal members were part of a band called Avatar. Which is aparently hard to find songs from.
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[icon] Journal of a Phoenix on Ice
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